mbimotmog:

As a rule, every non-freelance job that I accept comes with a tentative one-year expiration date from the words “you’re hired.”

That is to say, I make an agreement with myself that—barring some irresistible offer—I will work at that job for at least a year before considering employment elsewhere. But, rather than just say “glad to be here” and begin a slow countdown from 12 months to zero, I respond to conditions and add or subtract time accordingly.

Here’s a sampling of the most recently relevant ones:

• I can complete an HR-mandated task online without having to engage an Employee Support Helpline — add one week.
• The company’s “Social Media Policy Blood Oath” is updated, requiring a new multi-step acknowledgement process — subtract one week per update.
• Performance Reviews yield insightful feedback that guide rewards and compensation — add one month.
• Management explains that career advancement is contingent on “increasing my visibility” — subtract two months.
• I have admin rights to my work computer — add two months.
• My membership on a work-committee is mandated — subtract two weeks per committee assignment, subtract three months if the committee is a “Fun Committee” or similar such nonsense.

bananacasts:

• Perceived top performers are burned-out long-timers, people who attend meetings more than do work, or are just insufferable douchebags on power trips — subtract six months
• Going to the bathroom involves taking one of several serpentine paths through the office — subtract three months
• Job requires paying close attention to email at all times as email is misused as a notification service — you’ve been here too long already

• Free lunch once a week — add two weeks
• Same food for free lunch every week — subtract one month